Tuesday, March 13, 2012

She was a very good-looking woman

A successful rancher died and left everything to
his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman,
and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a Hard worker who put in long hours every
day, and knew a lot about ranching.
    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said to
the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great.  You should go into town, and kick up your heels.'
    The hired hand readily agreed, and went into town Saturday night.
    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher
's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse, and take it
off,
' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.  'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.  'Now take off my socks.' He removed
each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.  'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.  'Now
take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him, and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town 
again, you're fired.'

West Texas Wind

One day a New Yorker stopped in the little West Texas town of Olton.
When he got out of his car the wind was blowing so hard he had to
lean into the wind as he walked to keep it from blowing him down.
As he approached the street corner he spotted a local cowboy standing
there holding onto the lamp post. He asked the local, “Does the
wind blow like this all the time?” “No sir,” was the reply,
“Sometimes it changes and comes from the other direction.” 

No matter where you ride to, that's where you are.

No matter where you ride to, that's where you are.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

Monday, March 28, 2011

I Don't know who wrote this, It's an old tale that should be told.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. 
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.  
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. 

When he was 
standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. 
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
 
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.  
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 
 
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 
 
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' 
 
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. 
  
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. 
 
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 
  
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'  

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 
 
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
 
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it..
 
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. 

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 
  
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 

'This is Heaven,' he answered.  
 
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 
  
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'  

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Alamo Memories: Robert Anderson sent this to us.

Alamo Memories. 

"One of the most memorable things I have ever had the honor of doing was being a part of the color guard at a ceremony inside the Alamo on the 165th anniversary of Travis' letter . We were the only ones allowed inside who were not direct descendants of the heroes (Alamo Defenders Descendants Association).

The chapel was candlelit, the descendants led in a seated, and the doors locked. The roll of the heroes names were called, by state, and we would bring the state colors forward and dip them as the roll was called (there were many from Arkansas too). Then Travis' letter was read aloud.

Standing there in clothes like the defenders would have worn looking into the eyes of people who had those men's blood pulsing through them was awe inspiring and unforgettable , I know that I didn't see a dry eye one by the end of the ceremony .

Earlier the same day I got to perform with Michael Shane Borden at the Texas Ranger museum in Waco for the Daughters of the Republic of Texas, we did his song
"'The Sons of San Antone “, as fine a song about the Alamo as ever was written.

My heart was swollen with Texas Pride on that day for sure!!”

THE COYOTE; Sent to me by Michelle Taylor

California:
The  Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail.

    A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

    1.  The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

    2.  He calls  animal control .  Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.

    3.  He calls a veterinarian.  The vet collects the  dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

    4.  The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

    5.  The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.

    6.  The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

    7.  The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
world.

    8.  The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack.  The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re:  the nature of coyotes.

    9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.

TEXAS:
    The Governor of  Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail.  A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

    1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and
keeps  jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP  hollow point
cartridge.

    2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke.

David Davis sent this to us.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.  He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger  grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's  feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.  When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old  man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. 
The silence was almost deafening. 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels.  The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've always wanted to."